An Archetypical Mall Outing

I went to the mall the other day because my wife wanted to do some shopping.

Now I know we live in a time and a culture that is supposed to shun stereotypes, but what can I say? Sometimes they fit. My wife loves to shop. I hate it. But I like her and my coming along makes her happy, so sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes I go with her.

Anyway as usual on these shopping trips, I wound up sitting on a bench. You know one of those benches the mall provides for old people or kindhearted husbands who selflessly accompany their wives to the mall. They set them back to back in the center of the hall so anyone sitting on one is on display, giving the throngs of shoppers something to look at on their way to the next store. I think the idea is that once you sit there being stared at long enough, you'll be shamed into getting up and buying something. Doesn't work on me though. Not usually.

So I was sitting there on the bench, losing at a sudoku game on my phone when two older ladies sat on the bench behind me. I could tell they were old ladies by their perfume and their voices and because I turned around and had a look. You know, just to double-check that my sleuthing skills are still sharp.

Almost immediately these two biddies started chatting.

“It's funny to run into you, Dee. I thought you never came to the mall,” said one.

“Oh, come now, Lili, you must know I love to people watch,” said the other.

“It is just the place for that, isn't it?” said the one called Lili. “Nothing like the old days though, is it? Nothing like a good old fashioned bazaar.”

“Well you know you can still catch a good one of course? Why I was just in Pakistan last week. Great people watching over there in Pakistan.”

“Sure, sure. I know just what you mean. I'm in India practically all the time. But when you have the choice, you sure can't beat a comfortable bench like this, can you?”

They both giggled at that. Then Dee said, “And don't forget the air conditioning!”

“Oh, I know!” Lili said, “Can't forget that!” They both burst into laughter again. I say 'burst' but it was actually pretty modest old lady laughter. Still, I felt the bench shake a little from it.

By this time I had stopped playing with my phone altogether and sat listening. Who where these old lady world travelers? It was very strange, but it got stranger.

“Dee, how is your husband these days?”

“Oh, you know, he's off starting some kind of trouble. He's into wars these days, you know? Always has to be starting something new.”

“Men just can't be satisfied, can they? Mine's just gotten into all this fancy electronics business.”

“That electricity sure is something, isn't it?” Dee asked.

“Oh, yes, it certainly is. Since he came up with that one, it's been nothing but work, work, work. He's managed to use it for everything. Light, heat, factories. It's done wonders for medicine too. And of course that affects me quite a bit. More people means more babies and more work.”

“I know just want you mean, Lili. More work for you means more for me too, of course.”

They both began to giggle again.

“And,” Dee said once they'd regained themselves. “you know my husband surly does make use of all that fancy technology that yours is always coming up with. Seems like that man of yours can't come up with anything that mine can't use for something else. I tell you if I hear another word about how great that nuclear fission is again... Well I'm just gonna scream!”

“Oh, does he like that?” Lili asked. “Well I will have to tell mine about that. He was quite proud of that one. Of course, for him it's all about making more electricity. He just can't get enough.”

Now I don't want you to think I'm normally the type of person who listens in on other people's conversations. I realize that's just about all I've been talking about here – someone else's conversation, I mean – but you gotta admit this is a special case. Most conversations, particularly mall conversations, are duller than wall staring contest, but not this one. No sir. This one was just plain weird. Started out weird and just got weirder. I don't want to harp on this, I just don't want you to think, if you ever see me at a party or someplace, that I'm that guy who's always eavesdropping. I'm really not that guy.

But getting back to the old ladies... “Oh, I remember the really good old days,” Dee said. “When it was just disease and famine. And, of course, the occasional predator attack or flood or asteroid. He would set it going and I'd come scoop 'em up. And we were so young then, weren't we?”

“Oh yes, we were,” Lili said. “In those days work was so easy. So few of them around, I could just about name them all. You know I really felt connected with them. I'd bring them in and, well I just had time, you know what I mean? Time to really get to know them before I had to move on to the next. Isn't it funny how when we were young and full of energy we had so much less to do?”

“Yes it is. Funny like a hangover!” With that the both began really cackling. Loud this time. Even some of the shoppers passing by turned to look.

“Well,” Lili said at last, “I guess I'd better be off. Quintuplets in Vancouver.”

“Quintuplets? My stars, I still can't get over that. They're just having regular litters these days, aren't they?” Dee said.

“Yes, it would seem so.” Lili said. I felt the bench move as she stood. “And I know who to thank for that one too! I remember when he came home talking about that 'in vitro-' whatever it is. Sure has had me running ever since!”

“I bet. Like you said, those men just can't be satisfied. Well you take care now, girl. I've got to go myself. Suicide bomber.” I felt the bench shift again as Dee stood.

With that they were gone. That was it. I turned, but didn't see them. Must've been pretty fast for a couple of old ladies. I sat there thinking about what I'd just heard for a few minutes, though I can't say that I made very much progress. Then, after a few minutes my wife came by with so many packages I wondered where I'd sit on the car ride home.