Passing

The seeds finally sprouted today. The ones he planted. He's not here to see them. Struck down. Car crashes are supposed to kill the young.

He was 75 and he was my husband. Ben... He was my husband. I so hate that word: was. Since the crash, all I hear is ‘was’ or ‘were’ or ‘had’. ‘He had a good life.’ ‘He was such a fine man.’ ‘You were such a perfect couple.’

The windows need washing. My hands just aren’t up to it anymore. He'd planned to wash them this week. He had such strong hands. Strong and warm.

His little dog, Susie, is at my feet. He loved this shaggy thing. She misses him almost as much as I do, I suppose. She cries for him. She’s crying now.

So much to do around here. Always more. Always something left undone.

I should fix breakfast. Mark said he would come by later this morning. He tries to visit every day he’s able. He’s a good son. He means well.

It’s so quiet. I can hear the wind blowing through the trees. So different now. He always played the radio. Life needs a little background music, he’d say. I should turn it on. But Susie might think he’s come back. It might make her cry and she’s only just stopped.

The girls tell me it will get better. Lilly and Gerty. They’ve been through this, they say. Lilly lost Ted…it was three years ago now. He was a nice man. Cancer. Took him slowly. I never new Gerty’s George, but his picture is quite handsome. She's been without him 15 years. I can’t imagine.

Lilly said I should come live with them, but I can't leave here - not for that place. They say it isn’t a home, but I know it is. I’ve been there. Ben and I used to visit from time to time. Our last visit wasn't so long ago. A month. Has it been a month? It was just the day before…

I've been sleeping in Mark's bed. No one has used it since my cousin, Ruth, visited last summer. She didn't mention how worn it is. I wish we'd known. We would have had her take ours. Ruth's gone now too. Mark tells me to sleep in my bed. He's gentle about it though.

People don’t like open caskets, but I always thought they made it easer to say goodbye. With the crash, though... Ben's was closed. I’m not sure I could have said goodbye anyway.

Yesterday's paper is here on the table. Did Mark bring it in? Water bills are going up. Everything's going up it seems. It was years and years ago Ben got me interested in the paper. I like to see the wedding announcements. Ben always read the sports pages and the obituaries.

There's a car outside. Could be Mark. No. No, it drove on. He won't be here until 9 o'clock. That's what he said. It will be good to see him.

I don't have an appetite. I know I should eat.

His garden shoes are by the kitchen door. He was always so good to take them off. I know he thought it silly, but he did it for me. I should put them away. I can have Mark to do it. He won't mind. Though, I suppose they aren't hurting anything, are they? I think Susie likes them there.

# # #

When her son arrived he found her sitting at the kitchen table tearing strips from the newspaper. Her eyes were dry and red. He opened the curtains and made some tea. He put out food and water for the dog. He sat by her and held her hand. He spoke softly to her. When he left to pick up the kids, he told her he loved her and kissed her forehead. He told her the whole family would come over on Sunday. He lingered at the door.

When she heard the car pull away she rose from her chair. She made toast and had it with her tea.